36: Part 3
Observations and Pontifications from my ADHD brain
If you want to read what’s come before and haven’t yet.
Part 1
Part 2
10. I want to feel everything
I want to feel it all. Goddammit.
“The joy and frustration of being caught by a drop of cold rain,” as Ellis Paul puts it.
I grew up in an environment and culture that demphasized and demonized feelings and emotions, unless they were performed/expressed in a specific religious way. Instead, for “men” specifically, reason, family/community leadership, and “steadfast faith” were the highest ideals.
I’ve always had big emotions, but they were socially conditioned out of me as a child, which led to a lot of dissociation and unhealthy cope in my early adult years. I’m on a journey to reclaim myself — appreciating and celebrating the emotional, sensitive, passionate, spontaneous, and nurturing person I am.
11. Relationship binaries are serving no one
Y’all, I’m convinced toxic monogamy and the tired/worn out categories we have to describe relationships are no good for anyone. Can’t we be more creative?
Most people have two categories: “friend” or “romantic relationship.” And god forbid you transgress the relationship binary.
In reality, humans are much more complicated than that. We have “friends” that we’re as close or closer to than our partners (especially when trust/safety is lacking). We are attracted to people we aren’t partnered with. We may love someone, but not be in a place where we can be healthily partnered with anyone. We may not feel romantic or sexual attraction at all. We may be in love with multiple people at the same time.
I’m convinced the answer is:
12. Communicate and build trust . . . that’s it (soap box #2)
Humans have agency and choice. I’m convinced you can navigate almost any relationship with trust and communication.
In my experience, the old narratives are straight up bullshit. If the vibe is right, you can be close friends with anyone, of any gender expression, without being in love with them or sleeping with them. And you can be attracted to someone and still make the decision to be good friends and leave it at that.
Humans have agency and choice.
My ex of 12 years is one of my best friends. I just spent a week with her in Portland and had a blast. No sex. No romance. Just best friends who have lived a lot of life together and know each other intimately.
Several of my other close friends are also women I’ve slept with — but at some point during one of our check ins, we talked it through and decided we work better as friends.
Here’s the catch: to build that level of trust and communication I think several things have to be true:
Consent and mutuality (in all aspects) are non-negotiables — I shouldn’t even have to say this . . . it should just be a foundational relationship pillar. Sadly, it’s not.
Each person involved has to be doing their own work to be a healthy human — Therapy, figuring out their emotional triggers, advocating for their own wants/needs, knowing their attachment styles, knowing what makes them insecure and how they respond to that, etc
Each person has to believe the other person’s communication of their felt experience (this one’s huge!) — It’s a non-starter if you can’t trust the other person’s communication of their felt experience. That doesn’t mean you have to agree they are “right” in a given situation. But, you do have to believe that their feelings/felt experience is valid and true as they are communicating it, even if it feels hard, painful, or unfair.
Each person has to want the other’s best, even if that means the other’s best isn’t them — I strongly believe that one of the hardest realities of true love for another (whatever the variety) is the willingness to acknowledge that there are times when what’s best for them isn’t you/about you. What if what’s best for someone means you stepping back and allowing them more space for other friends, solo activities, or new experiences they’ve always wanted to pursue? What if what’s best for someone is letting you go? That’s scary shit. But, I think real love is exactly that, wanting the other’s best even when it’s scary, even when it isn’t about and doesn’t center you.
Each person has to be comfortable having and initiating hard conversations — All healthy relationships include hard conversations. Everyone involved needs to be able to initiate those when they feel boxed in, trapped, disrespected, underappreciated, isolated, or for any other important reason.
Each person has to be willing to admit fault, apologize, and do better — No one gets it right all the time. You’ll hurt people close to you. That’s just a given. When you do, own it, apologize, and actually put in the time and effort to do better.
Each person has to be willing to share the load — This can go a lot of different ways. In any context, I think it feels good when all parties are initiating. It communicates mutual interest, appreciation, and affection. If you’re partnered, it feels like a no-brainer that all partners need to be working to foster equity in agreed-upon ways (including sharing the mental load of shopping, meal prep, household chores, etc).