They're your what?
Friend? Colleague? Partner? Lover? As humans, we seem to have a relentless desire to categorize people and our relationships with them. But, gaps abound. Having trouble figuring out how to introduce someone to friends or family?
Here are a few terms that may help you the next time you’re struggling in a social situation.
Menty Bae: That toxic lover who comes around every month or month and half like clockwork (frequency will vary). The experience is always memorable, unsettling, and requires deep-breathing to re-regulate.
Example: “Hey mom, this is my menty bae, Kevin. Yes, the one I talk about in therapy.”
Assoscreant: You may or may not be close with this person. Generally, this is someone you originally met in a professional context of some kind (work, PTA meeting, etc).. But, when you get together, shit always goes down.
Example: “This is my assoscreant, Blaze. Where did you say the open bar was?”
Curmudgem: Your favorite anti-social friend that has a true heart of gold — prefers the company of nature, animals, and themselves to other people in many cases.
Example: “Hey Dan, this is my curmudgem, Beth. She collects fungi, shells, unique mosses, and is a therapist for socially anxious elephants.”
Broomate: This one’s pretty self-explanatory. This is your roommate(s) (AFAB or AMAB) who is also a witch.
Example: “My broomates, Willow and Thom, organized a lovely Solstice party for us last week, complete with dried oranges, incense, and a ritual cleansing.”
Bane Squeeze: That one current or ex-partner that ruins your nervous system and hijacks every decent relationship in your life.
Example: “This is Brad, my bane squeeze. Yes, I know . . .”
Lover-in-residence: Your current lover who is in a trial-period of sorts. The option is on the table to make things more committed down the road, but it is not guaranteed. You’re both super bougie.
Example: “This is my lover-in-residence, Sebastian. Yes, the Met Gala was lovely last week, thanks for asking. Llana Del Rey as wood nymph — a triumph. No notes.”
Boo-fang: Your partner who is a werewolf. Alternatively, your partner who is a vampire. Since this term has multiple meanings and can refer to two groups that are often at odds with each other, be judicious about using this term in public and do your best to make the meaning clear with context clues.
Example: “My boo-fang, Guillermo, and I never eat mediterranean. The shish kabobs can be quite triggering.”
Hover: This is a niche term for a lover with unhealthy anxious-attachment.
Example: “I’m getting frustrated with my hover, Taika. He triple-texts all the time . . . ”